The Girl In The Mirror
by Autumn's.Reign
Summary: [AU] I am not who I used to be, but things go on as they always had. Though, under the surface, the story is quite different... Only he cares, will he be able to save me? Will our love prevail?[AxC][[Complete]]
1. Prologue

So this is the story leading up to my Oneshot 'The Red' hopefully it will answer any questions and clear up confusion, it will either do that or just confuse you further. Hopefully it won't. Oh, and forgive me if anyone seems more than a little OOC. It's the only way it will work.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam SEED.**

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**Prologue**

The sun rides low on the horizon. It warms my cold face, the rays glinting off my golden locks, swaying slightly in the breeze. The earth begins to heat up in the new morn, though my breath still forms as mist before me.

I shiver under my thick jacket. I stayed out here all night. In the cold. I just sat here, watching my surroundings unseeingly, I did not listen to the sounds of the night settling down around me, nor did I feel the cold until just now.

My world, the small place I live in everyday, the place I had lived all my short life, where I had been happy and content for years, had disappeared in an instant.

Something had shifted without my noticing. Never once had I ever liked change. I never dealt with it well. But I had found out the hard way that change happens with or without your consent.

I had looked, perhaps the first time I had ever truly looked, I had seen her, the first time I had ever truly noticed her for who she was, that moment was the moment I had seen some small measure of truth. Mirrors can show us so much, yet we often choose to see so little. I had simply chosen for the first time to see all the mirror was showing me.

The girl in the mirror that I can see, I am not her.

Somewhere in the past, not long ago, something had changed, and I had subtly drifted from the person I had once been. How, I asked myself, had I not noticed?

The girl in the mirror, she was so happy. So full of laughter and joy. So bright and intelligent. Confident and proud. A feisty girl who was quick to anger, but also quick to forgive. She was someone people looked up to. A person people counted on for strength. I had once been her, but not anymore. I was as far from that girl as I ever could be. I wonder if I was ever her. It seems impossible.

She taunts me now. Dangling her perfect life before my eyes. Making me wish I were her once again.

How could this have happened? How could things have become this way? Nothing has happened that I can think of which would make me feel so. Do I feel this way for some reason? Am I being punished for something? Do I deserve this pain? Will I ever be the person I once was?

All that flitters through my mind now are questions. My whole life, now, seems to be built on them. Made completely of endless questions, questions which will never be answered.

I long for things to be as they were before. But, at the same time, I see that it will never be so. I mourn the loss of my old life. The life I want once again, the life I will never lead. I must come to terms with my reality. Something I have stayed blissfully ignorant of for so long. I know now that change happens. Whether we make the change of our own free will, or it occurs without our noticing. The one fact I am sure of, that change happens, something that no-one can ever counter, the one thing a person can always count on. Though fear resides in my heart. I fear that this particular change could be for the worst.

I push the thought from my mind. Meditating on it will not do anyone any good.

As I watch the birds emerge from the trees branches and their early morning twittering and cheeping reaches my ears, I know that I will continue on with how I live. I will allow my mask to fall in place. The girl I see in the mirror. I may not be her, but I can act like her, I have for some time. She hides me from everyone around me. She keeps everyone from seeing me for who I really am. The one thing I am grateful to her for. Things just are this way. They have to be.

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Does she seem a bit schizophrenic to anyone? She does to me. Well, the whole "The girl in the mirror" thing, it's supposed to show that before everyone she knows, she acts completely different to how she really is and that is who she sees in the mirror, the girl who she acts as. The person she really is, that's who's speaking, the ones whose thoughts we see, she has only just realized how she really feels, and she doesn't understand how it all happened. And whenever she looks in the mirror, all she sees is the false her, and she wonders how her personality came to be so split. (I hope that clears a few things up for those who were wondering.)

One other thing, this was not a Oneshot. There is more…

So please R&R. (If you have any questions or anything, feel free to ask.)


	2. We Meet In The Rain

**A/N: **Umm…this chapter is a little short, I know, but that's just how I wanna end it.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam SEED.**

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**Chapter One**

**We Meet In The Rain**

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School was to start tomorrow. I had hardly noticed the time go by. Six weeks suddenly seemed so little time. I sit in the park, the park I spend so much time in. I still vaguely wonder why I stayed here for a whole night. Today is rainy. Just like yesterday was. The weather seems to have become day after day of cloudy, wet weather like this. Not that I mind. I like the rain.

The raindrops fell on my face, clinging to my exposed eyelashes. I hadn't bothered to bring an umbrella. I saw no point. I don't mind getting wet.

I moved towards the deserted swing set. Usually you have to fight for a turn at them with one of the small children that live around here, but the playground was unusually quiet, though that is to be expected with all the rain. Today the rain would be my companion. I liked the idea. I sat on one of the two swing seats and started swinging.

The rain had always been something I liked, I had never minded getting soaked to the bone and catching a cold. To me, it was a way of life. I suppose that would never change. Some things never do. The rain could comfort me in a way no-one else ever could. It was my friend, in a way. Weird as that may sound.

Though, today, the clouds were crying. The heavens were sad. I could feel it in the air. I wondered at that. It was odd.

I heard running footsteps. They clattered down the pathway, the sound of the water splashing against the bottom of someone's shoes. I watched, still and silent, as two teenagers ran past where I sat, trying to get out of the rain as fast as possible. They hadn't seen me, and they ran onto a porch and into a house, grateful to get somewhere dry.

Faintly, I wondered if I had ever seen them before. They didn't seem familiar, as they didn't go to my school, though no-one in this area did, I went to a school quite far away, as my dad worked near it, it was easier for him to pick me up from there. Long story. I didn't know many people around here, even though I had lived here all my life, the only people I knew were my neighbours, and I didn't even see them all too often.

I was kinda looking forward to school tomorrow. I don't get to see my friends outside of school too often. The whole distance thing really gets in the way.

Of course, I was dreading the classes. I had never really enjoyed them. I don't usually do much work; I'm always reading or writing about something else. I just can't be bothered. I see school not so much as something I have to go to for my education and the road to my future, more, a bad habit. I could never picture the future very well.

The sound of someone walking through the rain puddles reached my ears again, though, this time, they weren't running. I looked up, to see a guy walking calmly through the rain. He didn't seem to mind that his clothes were wet through and his midnight-blue hair was clinging to his head, dripping with water. He was watching his feet, a serene smile playing about his lips. His hands were inside his jacket pockets. I stared at him as he got closer to where I sat on the swings, he didn't seem to have spotted me yet.

His footsteps became louder as he became nearer to where I was. The sound of the water splashing as he kicked slightly at the puddles at his feet, stood out amidst the sound of the rain roaring slightly all around. He reached the path two meters from where I was watching him from. He stopped and turned to look at me.

His eyes connected with mine, and I was entranced by the deep emerald colour for several moments before his voice broke me out of my stupor.

"It's raining." He said.

"Yes, it is." I agreed, smiling slightly.

His smile widened and he walked towards me and sat on the empty swing beside mine. I watched as he began to swing slightly on the swing, a hand on each of the chains.

"So you live around here?" he asked.

"Yeah, not too far away." I answered him, watching his slow movements. He was quite interesting, even if he had only said few words to me. I looked at him. He seemed familiar.

"I just moved here." He told me in his friendly voice, I couldn't help but trust him, even a little.

"Oh, you seem familiar." I said, peering at him closer, it was sort of hard to place his face when he was so wet.

"Well, then maybe you've seen me before." He said with a mysterious smile. Maybe he knew who I was?

"Maybe," I answered, giving up for the time being. I had a feeling I would meet him again.

Thunder rolled in the distance, followed closely by a flash of lightening which illuminated their faces for a moment. They almost made his eyes glow. The rain only fell harder.

"I wonder if it will rain tomorrow." He said offhandedly, glancing at the sky.

I watched as the rain hit his face and rolled down his cheeks, dripping from his hair onto his already wet jacket.

"Does it really matter?" I asked, smiling. I wanted the rain to stay around for another day or two.

He looked at me, his eyes sparkling, making me even more entranced. How could they affect me so?

"I suppose it doesn't." He finally said, his smile still in place, making me think it would never waver. He stood up from his swing. "Well, it was nice meeting you. I have to be going, though, I'll see you around."

He began walking away, waving slightly.

"Bye," I said, waving back. And I watched as he got further and further away, until he disappeared around the corner. I'll look forward to seeing him again.

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**A/N:** Please review! I like reviews! 


	3. It's You!

**A/N:** Umm a few notes before I begin this chapter…

Cagalli and Kira are NOT siblings. Just good friends.

Athrun and Lacus aren't engaged, nor will they ever be.

There is no such thing as Cordinators and Naturals.

This story is based in the present. Nothing futuristic or really technological.

Everyone is either sixteen or fifteen.

That's about it, I think…other than my warning that the rating may change to M in future, I might put in some swearing and there are other things to take into account, so, yeah.

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**Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam SEED.****

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**Chapter Two**

**It's You!**

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The first day of school. It is always a hectic sort of day. The new timetables are handed out and the Year Adviser gives you a long-winded boring speech on the year to come, it's basically always the same, I've heard it three times already. When you first walk in the door for your new classes, you look around the room, observing the people you are now stuck with for the year. I'm usually stuck with mostly people I could never stand. The kind of people I had never enjoyed being around. This year was particularly bad.

I was placed in the second highest classes for everything. Funnily enough, most of the more popular kids at school were also placed in the class. I sighed as I looked around the room. It was going to be a very long year.

My eyes darted to the big, white, ugly clock above the door. I sighed again. It was only the beginning of second period; we all had just been freed from the long start-of-term speech, and allowed to go to our first math lesson of the year. I stifled a yawn as my teacher told us what we would be requiring this year. The door opened. I was surprised to see my friend Miriallia walk in. She was peering at her new timetable, but looked up as the teacher told her to sit down already.

"Yes sir." She answered. She looked around the room and saw me, making a beeline for the empty seat next to mine.

"Why are you late?" I asked in a whisper as the teacher began drawling on again.

"I went to first period instead of second." She whispered back, getting out a notepad and writing down whatever it was that the teacher was saying.

"Trust you to do that." I said with a slight smirk. She just rolled her eyes at me.

I soon lost interest in Sir's boring lecture on revision and began looking out the window. The sky was still a cloudy grey, but it was not raining as it had been yesterday. I looked down at my notebook; the page it was open on was devoid of any writing. I flicked my pen idly, wondering how long it is till first break. A very long time was my conclusion.

After what seemed like forever (it had been a double math lesson, one of my greatest fears) the bell went for first break.

I packed my things happily, relishing the feeling of being freed from what was to become the weekly horror of double math. Miriallia and I walked out of C block together and made our way to our regular seat.

I dumped my bag on the table and sat beside it on the table top. Miriallia followed suit.

"So what classes are you in?" she asked me, taking out an apple from her bag.

"Umm…" I said, taking out my timetable, not that I really needed to, I already knew. "Number two for everything…"

"Oh, I'm in mostly two." Miriallia said, peering at hers once again. "I'm in one for English. What electives are you doing?" she asked.

"Textiles and History." I said bitterly. I had not wanted to do those electives, but we only got to chose two and those were the best ones out of all the choices.

"Cool, I'm in the same history class, except I'm doing art as well."

"What's Kira doing?" I asked her, looking around for Kira while looking in my bag for the sandwich I knew I packed.

"Dunno…where is he?" Miriallia asked.

"Umm…I don-" I cut myself short, finding my sandwich in my bag. "Ha! Found it! I so knew I packed a sandwich!"

"Quick! Call the newspapers! Cagalli has found the Missing Sandwich Of Ancient I Cannot Find It!" Kira joked from behind them.

"Hey! What's that supposed to mean!" I demanded angrily, biting into my somewhat squished sandwich, which, I might add, tasted fine!

"I mean nothing Cagalli! You offend me!" Kira laughed, but still managed to look scandalized as he took a seat beside Miriallia.

Ignoring us both, Miriallia turned to Kira.

"Where were you?" she asked him, throwing her apple core into the garbage can, a perfect shot.

"Oh, that…" he sighed dramatically. "I was in detention." He said.

"On your first day? What class are you in?" I asked, thinking Kira was in one of the lower classes, though, that would surely be the day alien elephants from the planet Zirconie take over the planet; Kira was like the smartest kid in the grade.

"Well, I'm in one, but, so is Athrun and his friends." He said, rolling his eyes.

"Oh…" Athrun and his friends were a few of the biggest trouble makers in the year, they were brilliant minds, but they acted like jerks most of the time, it doesn't come as a surprise that they got the whole class into detention on the first day of school.

"I don't even wanna know what they did." I said, shaking my head, imagining the worst.

"You sure? It included an orange-"

"No! Stop!"

"A thumb tack-"

"Kira! I said stop!"

"Chalk dust-"

"I SAID STOP ALREADY!"

"Okay, okay. No need to raise your voice."

The bell rang, signaling the end of first break, just Kira's luck.

"Well, bye!" Kira said, and he shot off into A block as if all the demons of hell were chasing after him.

I scowled in the direction he had just disappeared in. Just my rotten luck, whenever I'm out for his blood, he gets away.

"C'mon. Let's go to geography." Miriallia said picking up her bag and heading towards the A block, though, much slower than Kira had.

"Hmph." I muttered, following her.

I stood in front of the door, painted blue, with the sign, 'A 8' on it. This was the same room I had for geography the year before, meaning I had the same teacher. I smiled. This teacher was easy to mess with. I ticked him off the year before, in my own way, nothing like how Athrun and his mates muck up in class, but in my subtle, quiet way. I even got sent to the head teacher. I found the whole thing rather hilarious.

Miriallia and I watched as he walked down the hall. I smiled at him and I visibly saw his face fall slightly before he resumed his normal expression. One point to me.

We filed in and sat down where ever we chose, Miriallia and I sitting up the back, furthest point from the teacher's desk, the same place I sat last year. Though I knew I wouldn't be sitting here long. Last year for the first two terms we had to sit alphabetically, I knew it would be the same this year.

"Welcome to a new year." He started saying. "Some of you I have taught before. Others don't know me. I'm Mr. Hibiki. Don't say it wrong or misspell it." I snorted softly at that, he said the same thing the year before. "I'll be putting you in alphabetical order, it will be easier to remember your names and mark the register that way."

So he put us in alphabetical order, something that made me feel childish. But I was shocked when I was told who I was to sit next to.

"Athrun! I have to sit next to him!" I said angrily. There had to be a conspiracy against me or something. How did I get stuck in his class? "My last name begins with an 'A' didn't you notice? Sir? He is Athrun Zala…with a 'Z'…I'm Cagalli Yula Athha! Athha! Do you remember your ABC's sir?"

He smirked at me…definitely a conspiracy…

"Well Miss Athha, on the register here, it says that your last name is Yula Athha, and seeing as you are the person directly before Mr. Zala on the register, you will be sitting beside him. Take your seats." I glared at him as I sat beside Athrun. Teachers could be so evil sometimes. There was a mistake on the register. Now I am the one being punished for the schools bad mistake.

"Hello." Athrun said cheerfully to me, smiling and waving in a stupid way. I ignored him, taking out my notebook and pen.

We sat in an awkward silence for the rest of the period, and as soon as the bell rang I shot up from my chair and walked as fast as I could to my next class, which was my first elective class, textiles.

I didn't really know any of the girls in my class that well. They were all more like acquaintances than friends; I knew most of them by sight. I tried not to associate myself with these people, there were just so many. It's hard to break free of them. The desks were arranged so that there were three tables in the middle of the room, six to eight people could fit on one desk, and the rest were lining the walls either side of them. I sat at the front desk, in the middle, facing the teacher's desk; it was the only desk which didn't have one of the girls on it.

A few minutes later a girl walked in, I knew her, her name was Lacus, she wasn't so bad, she was nice to me those few times we spoke. I liked her hair, it was unusual, and it was waist-length and a soft pink colour. I assumed it was natural, odd as that is. She sat beside me on my right. I smiled at her, and she smiled back, this class might not be so bad with at least one okay person there. Maybe I'll survive.

The only set back was that she was a close friend of Athrun. After the teacher finished her own start-of-term speech, something I know I'll still be enduring tomorrow, we started talking because the teacher said there was nothing we could really do for the remainder of the double lesson.

Lacus told me that she was going to chose cooking rather than textiles, but the class had been full and this had been her other choice. She looked excited at the thought of making a stuffed toy; we were to make bunny rabbits after first term, in which we were going to make pajamas. The whole thing was called 'Pajama Party'.

I didn't mind talking to Lacus, she was really nice, and she didn't act like her friends did, which I was glad for. Though I wondered why she hung around a bunch of people like that. She didn't seem the type.

"So why don't you like Athrun, Cagalli?" she asked in her sweet, kind voice. I didn't think anyone would ever be able to lie to her with that tone.

"Well, he just acts like an idiot…he's teased me before, along with those friends of his, I'm like their main target…" I said as easily as I could. I wasn't that much of a fan of the topic.

"Oh…well, you know they're just having a bit of fun, right?" Lacus said, a little uneasily. "They are just mucking around, they don't really mean anything by it."

"Yeah, well, I don't care, I'll be nice to Zala when he's nice to me, until then, I'd like to keep my extremely bad opinion of him thank you very much." I stated bitterly.

Lacus sighed sadly. "Very well, but he is really a nice person, you know, not nearly as bad as you think."

For some reason, I spent the whole of second break and history elective thinking of Athrun. I was off in my own world, and I hardly noticed the weird looks Miriallia and Kira were giving me. We lined up outside the E block, the science rooms. Our teacher came out soon after and we headed inside. Everyone left their bags outside, as was the rule, so we didn't trip over them and cause massive accidents when doing practical work. I took my wallet in with me; another rule was that we take all valuables inside with us, that way they wouldn't be stolen. There was a big bout of things going missing from bags last year.

As I sat down, I noticed that this was another class I had with Athrun. Vaguely I wondered just how many classes I had with him. I still hadn't had some of my other classes yet. I hoped he wasn't in my other ones.

The rest of the lesson was a hazy blur; I wasn't paying attention, like with every other class. I spent the whole period thinking of what Lacus had told me about Athrun. I didn't see how that was possible, I watched as he sniggered and laughed with his friends Yzac and Dearka in the far corner of the room. There was just no way he was any thing like what Lacus had told me.

I only snapped out of my thoughts when I heard Miriallia saying goodbye at the school gate. She caught the bus home, and my dad picked me up around the corner.

"Bye Cagalli." She waved and gave me an odd look as she boarded her bus.

I walked down the footpath and hopped into my dad's car, hardly acknowledging his greeting and asking me how my first day back at school was.

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I flopped lazily onto the couch, turning the T.V. on. I flicked through the channels to see if there was anything worth my time to watch. I probably had homework or something, not that I really cared. It was sad how little motivation I had for school work.

I flicked over to the movie channel; it was some old sappy romance story. It was even in black and white. With a grimace I pressed the off button on the remote and immediately dropped it so that it fell on one of the couches cushions.

I was thinking about going on the computer when there was a knock on the door. I got up and opened it, expecting to find some door-to-door idiot who wanted to sell me some sort of useless thing, when I was surprised by the person I least expected to turn up at my doorstep.

"Zala?" I questioned him quizzically, raising an eyebrow at him. "Why are you here?"

"I said I'd see you around." He said with a huge grin on his face. He looked as if he was privy to some big secret and was dying to gloat about it to me.

"No you didn't." I told him, going through the entire school day in my mind. All he'd said to me was 'hello'.

"Yes, I did, have you forgotten already?" he put this look of great hurt and disappointment on his face. "I saw you yesterday, in the park."

"Wait a moment. It's you?" I said disbelievingly, unable to accept what he was saying.

"Well, if I mean that little to you. If you want to forget about our meeting yesterday and you being okay with my presence then, fine. Who said I wanted to be friends anyway? I didn't come here to apologize for anything. I'll just go if I'm so unwelcome." He turned and started to walk away. I stood stunned for a few seconds. I couldn't believe what I just heard. He was being sincere with some of what he said. That surprised me. A lot.

"Wait!" I called, chasing after him.

"Yes?" he said, turning to face me.

"Look, I'm sorry I was being such a jerk. I was just surprised, that's all. I've only ever known you to be an idiot towards me." I said apologetically.

"That's okay. I actually came to say sorry about that, anyway. Lacus told me about you and how you guys were okay with each other in class and she thought you were pretty okay. I thought I'd re-think my ways a little." He said with a wink.

"Umm…thanks, I think." I said.

"No problem. So, I'm sorry about how I've acted towards you. Totally didn't mean it to get so bad." Athrun said cheerfully.

"Uh…okay, I s'pose."

"So, friends?" Athrun asked me, holding his hand out for me to shake.

"Yeah, friends." I agreed, shaking his hand. His grin widened. This was the beginnings of a weird and wonderful relationship.

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**A/N:** Confusing? Well, I know, but I think it will become clearer. I've based the school timetable on mine, it's just easier that way, and the school is my school, it's the only one I know, so therefore the only thing I can refer to. (Sorry, I know it's confusing)

Also, sorry if this is under-edited, I'm feeling a little sick, and when I'm sick, I'm extra lazy. I usually go back and edit eventually. Usually…


	4. My Emotions

**A/N:** Yup. (oh, and I don't really like the title for this chapter…might change it one day…)

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam SEED.**

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**Chapter Three**

**My Emotions**

My hands. They're sweaty. The sweat, it makes my hands slip. I loose my hold. My hands, slick with sweat. I stare at them. They're shaking slightly. I wring them, over and over again. I keep muttering to myself. _'They're sweaty…'_

I feel the panic raise within me. I'm nervous. I don't understand.

My back rests against my bed as I sit on the floor. I stare. I stare at her.

Everyday I see her. Some days it doesn't bother me. Today is not one of those. I wipe my hands on my jeans. But still they're not dry.

I run my hands through my hair. It's messy. I haven't bothered to brush it. I rest my head on my knees, my hands still raked through my hair. I close my eyes. I can't bear to look at her. She haunts me. Forever haunting me.

Why won't she leave me alone? Why? Tears slip from beneath my closed eyes. They roll down my cheeks, falling on my knees, making the fabric wet. I want her to leave. Why? Why must she haunt me?

I squeeze my eyes shut even more, my fingers tightening around the hair they had seized. I want to break her. I want to banish her forever. But, I can't.

Somehow I manage to stand up, however shakily. I stumble out of the room. I close the door firmly behind me and sink to the floor again, my back now resting against the wood of my door. I wipe away my tears.

I've left her for now. But she'll return. I'll see her again. I always see her again. She fills me with despair. She makes me weak when I need to be strong. She is the one who makes me sweat, makes me fear, before her I was different. Before her, I feared no-one and nothing, before her I was strong, before her the world was different.

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At school, she protects me. Always. Today, however, is screwed. I'm having a bad week. Of the worst kind. She is playing with me. My face is sad, but expressionless. I don't hear those around me. I don't see anything around me. I've detached myself from everything around me, from everyone.

I cannot see the looks Miriallia and Kira give me. I cannot hear their worried tones as they speak to me. All I know for now is one thing. She's punishing me.

Why, though? What have I done to her? Have I displeased her in some way? I leave her be. I ignore her. I can't stand her. I cannot look at her. I cannot understand her at all. She is a puzzle. My mystery. My consequence. Though, for what? Whatever I've done, I do not know what it is. But now, she is always there, always reminding me, always tormenting me, and, today, she has forsaken me, laving me with my thoughts, thoughts I do not wish to have.

For, they, too, torment me. Endless torrents of questions. Questions which I will never be able to answer. Wishes which will never come true. Hopes which were founded on the impossible.

I look up from my notes. I hadn't noticed I was taking them. They're messy and indistinct. I cannot even read them. I watch mutely as the teacher talks about electricity. I realize that we are to have a test soon. I haven't learnt anything. I haven't paid much attention. I never really do. Maybe I should work on that.

My eyes wander around my class, roaming over the seemingly never-ending sea of students. Really, there is only about thirty of us all together. My eyes pause on one person. He is too easily spotted, with his discernable hair, the darkest shade of blue. With a start, I realize that he has been watching me. His eyes bore into mine, almost as if he were reading the very depths of my soul. As always, the sheer emerald colour of them captivated me.

It's been two weeks since he showed up at my doorstep, asking to be friends. No-one at school knows about our relationship, except Lacus, Miriallia and Kira. Though, not one of us talks about it. It's all kept secret. Athrun and I don't act as if we were friends. I just ignore him, though he has ceased teasing me, even if he cannot keep his friends from doing the same.

Why is he looking at me like that? There's such concern in his eyes. Such worry, for me. The thought made butterflies flutter in my stomach.

As I went to say goodbye to Miriallia at the gate, she turned to me, a determined look in her eyes.

"Is everything okay?" she asked firmly.

I blinked. I hadn't expected that, nor for her to be so forward.

"Yes," I answered untruthfully, still blinking.

She looked at me disbelievingly. Obviously, she didn't believe me. Not that I had really expected her to with how I had acted today.

"We are going to talk about this later." She told me in such a tone that I knew I could not get out of it.

I simply nodded and started walking away. I slipped into the car and nodded absently at my father's usual querie as to how my day had been. I didn't really want Miriallia to worry about me. She had enough on her plate at the moment as it was. She really didn't need to worry for me as well. I was best left alone, in any case.

When I got home, I quickly changed out of my school uniform and headed for the park. I decided I needed fresh air, and the park was my favorite choice.

I swung on my usual swing, the one on the right. I always used this one. I don't really know why, but I never really liked the left. It was just always this way.

I watched idly as the clouds drifted sullenly by. The wind whispered through the trees secretively. The park was deserted once again. I was left alone. Alone with my thoughts.

It was then that I realized something for the first time. A painful loneliness had been cast over me. How could I have never known it? Never felt it until just now? I could almost laugh out loud at the realization. Just like the changes in my life, this had settled over me. Slowly sinking further and further into my heart. But now I knew. Loneliness had crept into my heart.


	5. Our Relationship

**A/N:** Okay, the last chapter wasn't that great, but I wrote most of it on Saturday and then I just decided to put it up and write what I was going to put in it in this chapter, so, yeah. I know it was kinda confusing, there are so many different going through her head at once, and the words just flow and I don't see anything confusing about it because I wrote it, I might go back and edit it one day, like with everything else I write…I'm so lazy…

It's all in Cagalli's point of view; everything is going to be, except the last chapter, I think, when it will be Athrun's point of view.

I'd like to say thank you to the people who have reviewed to far, I like reviews. #Smilie face#

Omg…I just read the summary again…and I have just realized that it makes no sense…hehe…go me…rambling…

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam SEED.**

* * *

**Chapter Four**

**Our Relationship**

I sat on the swing for ages. I didn't keep track of the time. Time didn't seem relevant to me anymore. The days ran together, the nights were endless, I just continued on, unnoticing, indifferent to the world around me. I was stuck. Stuck in my own little world of troubles which, to me, seemed so important. For I was forever deep in my own never-ending thoughts. Trapped within my mind, unable to let anyone in. Reluctant to let anyone see the feelings I harbored inside.

The sun began to descend on the horizon. Its last golden rays, illuminating the trees in its rich colour. The chill of night began to sink into my skin, giving me goose bumps. I hugged myself tightly, trying to keep some of my warmth, though I made no move to leave. I just continued to sit there, rubbing at my arms absently, staring off into the ever-distant sky, watching as the stars started to appear in the sky, replacing the colourful sunset.

Soon I was enshrouded in the darkness of night, except for the streetlight across the road, and the light of the moon and stars. I swung my legs, the movement seeming so simple, so graceful. I tried to drive the thought of the cold from my mind. I was beginning to wish I had brought a jacket with me. A good lesson in future.

My mind seemed to have gone blank. Suddenly I wasn't in the park. I wasn't anywhere. I was lost in a black abyss. My mind. My eyes were staring, and my legs had ceased all movement. I was detached.

Faintly, as I was hearing this from a radio, its sound turned right down, I heard the footsteps. There was no mistaking that pace, the carelessness in which he walked. It was him. Athrun.

My trance snapped. I was back in the park, sitting on my favorite swing, watching silently as he walked into view and started walking towards me, acting as if I being here was as natural as the grass growing. He sat on the vacant swing beside me.

"I thought I'd find you here." He said conversationally, observing the beauty that was the night sky.

I said nothing as I became accustomed to his presence. I studied him as he continued to gaze into the sky. He was wearing a thick jacket, obviously he had thought before coming out here, but why had he come out here? It must be quite late. But still he came out to be with me. What did he want? He had been observing me that afternoon in class. Maybe the worry I had seen on his face was why he was here. Maybe he was concerned about me? He was my friend. He had every right to think about me.

Though, a part of me wished something else. I tried to place it. He was my friend, and he worried for me, did I want him to think of me as more than a friend? Did I want him to concern about me as someone who was more than a friend did? It seemed absurd to want that. I tried to push the thought from my head, though it continued to return.

"I was watching you in class today." He said, somewhat hesitantly. He looked as if he thought I might not want to discuss anything with him. I stayed silent. "I understand if you don't want to talk about it, but you just seemed so sad, so distant, not your usual self. I couldn't help but wander, is all."

I was touched. He seemed so genuinely worried for me. But it was surprising how much he saw in my face. I could tell that he saw more than what he had said. He could see so much more, but he hadn't let on. He hadn't said all he wanted to, but he wanted me to talk to him. I didn't know if I wanted to talk about it, though. I wasn't sure if I ever would want to. It could make me feel better to share my burden, but, then he would be weighed down by it, constantly watching me, worrying for me. I didn't want that for him.

"I know." Was all I said, in truth, I didn't know what I wanted to say, I didn't even know why I didn't try to deny my behavior like I did with Miriallia, for some reason, I didn't want to lie to Athrun, I don't think I could.

"What is it Cagalli?" he asked me, he leaned in closer to me, appealing to me with his eyes, so earnest and caring. How could I ever deny him anything? How could I not tell him with the look he was giving me? "What's wrong?"

"I…I-" For some reason, I couldn't say anything. I knew I could trust him. I did trust him. I trusted him more than any other person I knew, and we had only been friends for two weeks. But, I couldn't speak. I just couldn't tell him. Not now. Not yet. "I…don't know." Was all I said, I could feel tears welling in my eyes. It seemed as if my emotions were welling up and spilling forth. I hadn't lied; I didn't know what caused me to be sad, why she was punishing me.

I squeezed my eyes shut. Everything was wrong. Wrong with me. In that moment, I felt like I was being overcome by some unspeakable darkness, overcome by the velocity of my pure emotions. I couldn't breathe. I could barely keep myself seated on the swing, the cold bearing down upon me from every direction.

I felt alone. Isolated on an island, with no-one in sight and I'm sitting there, crying in despair, unable to comprehend my situation. Then I felt something warm on my cheek. It was him; he was wiping away my tears. I saw a truth. I wasn't alone. Not anymore. He was here, with me, when I need him, even if he doesn't know what is going on, he is still there. He saw that I was in need, and he came to me.

I leaned into his touch. The feel of his hand caressing my cheek was soothing. I wanted him to always be there. I wondered if that could even be so. When he was not around, I missed him. When I wasn't talking to him, I found I had nothing to say. In his presence, everything was okay, everything seemed more right, all my troubles didn't vanish, but I was handed a kind of peace. A contentment. I wasn't lonely around him.

Because I loved him.

Love? Is that really how I feel? How could I love him? I know so little about him. But I can see so much in him. I feel so different around him. Yes, I love him. It is as simple as that.

"You know you can tell me anything." He said softly. His nose was centimeters from mine; I could feel his breath on my face, warm on my chilled skin.

"I know, Athrun," I said, just as softly. Just being this close to him made me feel warmer, made my heart beat faster, made my stomach flutter.

He reached out and brushed a stray strand of hair from my face, and smiled slightly. He stood up and took my hand, forcing me to my feet, making me realize even more just how cold it was. I shivered.

Athrun saw me shiver and took off his jacket, placing it around my shoulders. Its warmth encased me instantly, banishing the cold from my bones.

"Thank you." I said gratefully. "I should have known to bring a jacket with me." I muttered apologetically.

"Well, a lesson well learnt?" Athrun said with a small smile.

"Yeah." I said idly.

* * *

Athrun came back to my house, my dad was out with my mum, business or something, and I wasn't really listening when he told me, but they wouldn't be back till tomorrow. Athrun and I decided to sit around and watch movies, we have a really big collection of DVDs, all the best. I made popcorn and everything. Which is a big thing for me.

Halfway through the first movie, I lost interest. It kept going on about something that I wasn't interested in. I sighed and leaned further back into the couch, stuffing a handful of popcorn into my mouth.

"Man this is boring…" I complained for the millionth time. Athrun just smiled, obviously amused. "What?" I snapped.

"Nothing…" he said innocently. I glared at him. Then I glared at him some more.

"Let's put a different movie on, I don't know how you convinced me to watch this crap…" I suggested.

"Nope." Athrun said decisively. Man he could be stubborn. But he had the DVD remote. Damn. The buttons on the DVD player didn't work. I kinda broke them one day. Not my fault that it wouldn't listen to me. But the remote still worked on it.

"Please…" I begged him, clinging to his arm and giving him my famous puppy-dog eyes, no-one could ever resist my puppy-dog eyes.

But it seemed that he could. He shook his head, focusing on the television screen once more, absently reaching for the popcorn bowl. I scowled at his profile. No fair. My eyebrow twitched. I lunged for the remote, tipping the popcorn bowl from my lap, scattering popcorn everywhere, pouncing on an unsuspecting Athrun. We fell to the floor, crunching the popcorn beneath us. I reached for the remote in his hand, but he held it out of reach.

"Gimme the remote!" I said angrily.

He just smiled and said "Nope." Damn him.

I was on top of him now, leaning over him for the remote control, which he still managed to keep from my reach, why did he have to be so tall? Somehow he managed to turn us over so that I was lying beneath him, and he was looming over me, a huge grin on his face.

"You will never get the remote!" he whispered playfully.

It was only then did I realize just how close we were. Our faces as close as they had been in the park, so close that his breath made my skin tingle. I felt myself blush. I found myself looking into his eyes, the anger ebbing away, losing myself within the emerald depths. I could feel something in the air. I hadn't noticed it before, but it had been there for a while, sparking between Athrun and I. It ran through my veins, electrifying every inch of my body, making me quake with anticipation. I saw the same thing in his eyes. The desire, the lust. Our lips met.

A fiery passion had erupted, simmering beneath the surface, dormant until now. Our tongues met in a battle of our lust, exploring their new freedom. I clung to his frame, feeling his skin, firm beneath my grip. One of his hands rested on my cheek as our desire increased.

I wanted more, I needed more. My hands slipped under his shirt of their own accord, running over his smooth skin. I lifted it over his head, forcing us to break from our kiss. I discarded his shirt, and crushed my lips to his once again, our kiss deeper, more urgent. Never had I felt like this before, never had I felt like I needed someone more than I needed him right then. My hands ran down his naked back as his hand found its way under my shirt, he began unbuttoning it slowly, revealing my bra underneath. His fingers lightly ran along my skin, sending shivers through my body, making me gasp with the sheer sensation of it.

He pulled away and looked deep into my eyes, our breath coming in short gasps.

"Cagalli…" he whispered. "I-I need you Cagalli…I want you…"

I brought his face closer to mine, my body singing with anticipation. "Then take me." I breathed.

* * *

**A/N:** I guess I'll leave it there. Could have been better…I can't think of anything else to put in the chapter. Shame they're all so short. I can never really manage to make 'em long. I think I just wanted to put some romance in this one. I was never one to procrastinate with stuff like that. Get straight to the point, that's what I say. Plus I always have to leave a chapter a particular way, and this was a good ending (to me).

So, please review!


	6. I'm Sorry

**A/N: **So, looking over my rough outline of this story that I've written, it's gonna be about ten chapters, I think, if not, then more or less around that. Mind you, it's a really rough outline, and I've already changed things from its original slot.

Also, sorry for the late update, I have my half-yearly exams, I got some new books, the usual, plus I get side-tracked easily…

**Warning:** There are suicidal themes in this chapter, okay, so, like, just so you know before you go and tell me off about it…I might change the rating…shrugs…

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam SEED. **

* * *

**Chapter Five**

**I'm Sorry**

In a way, I never really look forward to the school holidays. I never do anything with the time and I spend most of it dreading going back to school. They're never really that great. Although, this time round, I'll probably spend a lot of the time with Athrun.

It's been two months since that night, the night I realized just how I felt about him, the night everything changed, and now we're closer than ever. We still don't act as if we were close at school, it would be such a hassle, once some gossip finds its way into circulation, the questions become unbearable. But outside school, we are inseparable.

These holidays my mum and dad are going to the caravan, the one we have near the beach, they go there a lot, but I never go with them. I just don't like it there. This is the first year I'm allowed to stay home by myself, usually my parents leave me at my grandmother's house, but this year they have deemed me old enough to stay home alone. They'll be gone for a week, which is half the holidays. A whole week without my parents. Pure bliss.

I watch them running up and down the house, frantically packing their last minute items. I flick the channel on the T.V. Ooh…_Lord of the Rings_ is on…

"Goodbye sweetie." My mum says, pecking me on the cheek. "We'll be back in a week, okay?"

"Okay mum."

"Okay, I'll call you. Be good." And with that, they leave the house, closing the back door behind them. I listen as I hear the car start up and drive away. Free.

"Cool." I whisper. The whole house to myself…of course I'm not going to do anything stupid, I don't see any point in doing that. All I plan to do is hang around eating ice-cream and watching our endless supply of movies. Now that's what I call heaven.

I walk into the kitchen and open the freezer. My mouth waters. Mum has bought so much ice-cream. I take out a box and dish myself a generous bowl full. I plunk myself on the couch and set my eyes on the television screen as I dig my spoon into the frozen treat.

"_Fly you fools." _

_Gandalf falls from the bridge of Khazad-dum. _

"_GANDALF!" _

As the scene unfolded and I finished my ice-cream, someone knocked on the front door.

Reluctantly I got up, setting my empty bowl aside, keeping my eyes glued to the T.V. I opened the door.

"Hi Cagalli." Athrun greeted me cheerfully as I let him inside.

"'Lo," I replied, closing the door softly behind him, then returning to the couch, once again absorbed in the movie.

Athrun peered into my empty bowl and smirked. "Outta ice-cream there Cagz."

"I'd love some more, thanks." I said absently, shoving the bowl into his hands. "I can't believe this, poor Gandalf, he doesn't die does he?" I asked. I've always been one to talk during movies.

"No, he doesn't" Athrun replied from the kitchen, spooning my ice-cream into my bowl. "You should read the books, they're more descriptive than the movies, you know."

I rolled my eyes. Yeah right. Me, read books _that_ long! Never in a million years.

"Shhh." I hissed.

He came back into the lounge room holding two bowls of ice-cream, I accepted mine with a smile, and then looked back at the T.V., spooning the ice-cream into my mouth.

"Just how long is this movie?" I asked, noticing that he was eating his ice-cream a little more dignified than me, well, everyone ate ice-cream more dignified than me, I practically inhaled it.

"'Bout three hours I think, and there's an hour or so left." Athrun replied.

"When do they destroy the ring?" I asked, I liked the movie, but it was starting to seem endless.

"In the third movie."

"Third! There are three!" I gasped. "That's way too much! They should just get rid of the damn ring already!"

"Well that is not how it went in the books, Cagalli." Athrun said patiently.

"Doesn't mean it's not stupid!" I argued, finishing my ice-cream, for the second time.

Athrun stared aghast at my empty bowl. "How can you possibly eat ice-cream so quickly, it's not human!"

I shrugged. "I like ice-cream."

* * *

I watched disinterestedly as the rain fell outside my window. My house was quiet, I would say eerily quiet. I hadn't turned the television on, nor the radio, or even the computer. Everything was simply quiet except for the rain pouring endlessly from the heavens.

My elbow rested on the window sill. The water slid down the glass, seemingly crying. My breath fogged the window as I breathed on the cold glass. I watched as it slowly dissipated, no sign of it ever being there. Thunder rolled through the clouds, enticing the lightening to strike in the far-away distance, a flash of blinding white in contrast to the dark, gloomy atmosphere the rain clouds created.

I didn't know how I felt in that moment. I was detached from the world. No longer a physical being. I felt hollow, a shell of myself. Was I real? Was I alive? Why don't I feel?

I don't understand. I never seem to be able to. Day by day, nothing, I'm hollowing out, my sadness and pain creating a black void in my soul, leaving nothing to hide it except her. She keeps me here, keeps me anchored.

I don't know who I am anymore. But, how can I not know? How had I forgotten who I am? Questions. That is all I have. Questions, without any answer in sight.

A tear slides down my cheek, warm against my chilled skin.

* * *

As always, the holidays slip by, almost unnoticed, proving I was right in my assumptions. And, as always, nothing really happened, except Athrun and I hanging around doing nothing. I never seem to be able to find anything to do. Boredom controls my life sometimes.

It's Friday now, I managed to live through the first week, only the remainder of today to endure. Breathe in, breathe out. Oh no. I hate Fridays. Sure, essentially, Fridays are okay, but if you look closer, they are the day before Saturday, which is the day before Sunday, which is the last free day before Monday, and I hate Mondays. Never a good day, I'm more inattentive on Mondays than any other day, still in weekend mode.

"Cagalli, what's the answer to number nine?" the question pierces through my thoughts, bringing me to the land of the wake. I blink at the teacher. Number nine? We were doing questions? "Number nine in the homework book, Cagalli, the answer?" he prodded.

"Oh, that, Umm…I don't have my book, Sir." I answered, it was partly true, I don't _have_ a book, so I can't have done the work now could I?

"Really, Cagalli, I expected better from you, detention on Monday, come see me at the staff room at first break." I groaned. No, even more reason to loathe Monday. Why me?

"Why don't you ever do the homework, Cagalli?" Miriallia asked me as we left the classroom for the last lesson of the day, History elective. "It's not like its really hard or anything."

"Well, I don't have a book." I answered, leaning against the doorframe casually.

"Why not?" Miriallia asked me suspiciously.

"Didn't want one."

"You didn't want one! That is no excuse, no-one wanted one, but everyone else still bought one. You're really going to get into trouble Cagalli when he finds out about this, its second term and you _still _don't have one!"

"Really, Mir, it's no big deal, I don't care."

"'Sup." Kira greeted us, while we continued to wait for the teacher; she always managed to be late to class.

"Hi Kira," I said, happy for the diversion from the topic.

"Kira, tell Cagalli that we're supposed to buy a homework book, it's for the good of our education!" She was being way too passionate about this. I'll have to squash her motivation.

"Mir, drop it already! I'm not buying one; I don't care a flying _fuck_ about my education, and Kira doest even care! Off topic!" That did it.

"So, how about that sliced bread?" Kira said idly.

Maybe I have anger management issues.

As Mir and I walked out the school gate together, Lacus came running towards me. I smiled and waved at her. She stopped in front of me, out of breath and clutching at her folder.

"Cagalli, I'm glad I caught you…" she gasped.

"I have to go; I'll miss my bus, bye Cagalli, bye Lacus." Miriallia said, waving and boarding her bus.

"So, what is it Lacus?" I asked curiously.

"I just heard. I couldn't believe it. It's so exciting!" She said breathlessly, I raised my eyebrows, she hadn't even told me what she's talking about. "You and Athrun! I never would have thought!"

My eyes widened in surprise. How did she find out? He didn't tell her did he? We had agreed to keep it quiet.

"Who told you?" I asked, the disbelief evident in my voice.

"Oh…well, that's the rumor that's going around school…" she said uneasily.

I just stared…our secret was out…but, how? I hadn't told anyone. That meant that Athrun had, right?

* * *

I was fighting myself. An ever-present battle within me. My body was plagued with shivers as I paced the bathroom. My hands were cold as ice and shaking, wrapped around my exposed skin. My hair was messy and in need of washing. The shower was running behind me, the water falling and disappearing down the drain pipe. I glanced at the mirror, its surface fogged up and obscuring my image.

Despair gripped at me, pulling me down, further and further away from myself. Everything was wrong. Everything was completely fucked up. The despair surged within me as I gazed at the pale face in the mirror. No. She can't.

She was just so annoying, so frustrating, I couldn't escape her, and now, just to make my life better, everyone knew about Athrun and I. I'll be plagued with question after question on Monday. Is this what she wanted? Was it all some kind of sick, twisted plan to destroy my life further? All part of the conspiracy against me. Great, now I'm mad with paranoia.

I was confused, I was disorientated, I needed something, anything, and my mind was a loud buzz of incoherent thoughts and worries, ready to act on the slightest impulse. I saw her. Without thinking, I attacked the mirror, smashing it with my bare hands, not realizing my own strength. The shards fell into the sink, smashing further to the ground, raining down upon me for a few moments, the sound oddly reassuring to my ears. I looked at my hands, covered in small cuts from the shards, some smaller pieces still imbedded in my skin. The crimson liquid flowed gently from the wounds, mesmerizing me, calming me.

I looked at the remains of the mirror; she was gone, for now.

I took a step back, hardly feeling my feet being cut from the mirror pieces that were scattered across the floor. My eyes were focused upon my blood, my maimed hands. I had done that, hadn't I? Not her…It was me, I broke her, smashed her to pieces.

I just didn't know anymore. I couldn't get a grip on my reality, on my thoughts, on how I felt, I wanted to cry, to let the tears fall, cascade down my cheeks forever. I wanted to crawl into some small crevice where no-one would ever find me and stay there forever, waiting, just forever waiting, for something, anything.

Fear crept over me, an inexplicable, unfathomable fear. Everything was caving in around me. I didn't know what to do, I couldn't think of what to do. I saw a shard of mirror near my foot, a few inches long. I bent down and picked it up, turning it over in my hands, feeling the sharp edge under my fingertips. I crept into the shower, the scolding hot water hitting my naked flesh, causing me to hiss. I sunk to my knees, the water now wetting my hair, dripping over my face, dropping onto the mirror shard in my hands.

I felt like I needed to do it, like it was the only thing that made sense, the only choice I could make. I felt my arm moving of its own accord, pressing the sharp edge of the shard to the pink skin of my wrist, piercing it, watching as blood began to seep from the cut, only to be washed away by the ever-constant fall of water from the shower. I pressed the edge to my wrist again, creating a second cut, but this time, I did it slower, drawing out the pain, relishing the feel, knowing it was real, it was me, I was doing it, I had the control. I cut deeper, it was blissful pain, relieving pain, a desperate attempt for some kind of stability, some kind of knowledge, while, at the same time, I knew it was completely wrong, I would be hurting so many if I went too far, creating a world of sadness for those I cared about. But I didn't care, I couldn't care, all I wanted was to hurt myself, inflict these wounds upon myself, make the pain I felt within me go away, however brief. I wasn't sure if I even wanted to die. I just needed relief, pain, distraction.

I was weak, letting myself do this, but I couldn't stop once I had begun, I just kept going, unaware of how much blood I had drawn, how many cuts I had created, how my strength was beginning to wane. But, slowly, I came to feel it, knowing I may have gone too far. The mirror shard fell to the shower's floor, still stained with my blood.

The sound of the water falling started to dim down. My eyes started to go foggy, my surrounding starting to blur. I knew I was smiling, for whatever reason. As if from a long distance away, I heard the door open; I heard my name being called. It was Athrun. He drew the curtains back.

"Cagalli!" he gasped, his eyes widening in horror.

Regret sunk into me instantly. Why? Why did I do it? For a few measly moments of relief? Look at his eyes, the hurt was deep; he didn't want this for me. I was unsure if I really truly wanted it for myself. Tears filled my already blurry vision. Sadness, I was surrounded by it. It's forced upon me, I force it upon others, and it's always there, lurking within the dark shadows of my mind.

Athrun climbed into the shower, turning it off, ceasing the fall of water I had become accustomed to, comforted by, my companion. He half-lifted me up, supporting my bare back with his hands.

"Athrun…" I whispered his name, so sweet on my lips, so pure, so right. I smiled. He was here, with me.

He embraced me tighter, his clothes soaking up the water from my naked form, but neither of us noticed because there was only the knowledge that I was weak, my blood still seeping from the wounds on my arm, and that we were together, as we should be.

Reaching some sort of decision, Athrun reached for the towel rack, grasping a towel and wrapping it around my body, which was rapidly losing its heat. Careful to avoid the shattered glass mirror, Athrun carried me out of the bathroom, holding me as if I were made of porcelain and could break at the softest touch. He laid me on my bed, regarding me solemnly. Disbelief was still etched into his features. I felt guilty, I had scared him, and he was still scared.

I shook my head slightly. The question was still circulating around my head. Why? Why did I do it? I didn't even know any more. I was as confused as ever. I was beginning to think it was a bad idea now.

"Cagalli…why?" he whispered, kneeling beside my bed, taking his warm hand in mine, which was now icy cold.

I took a shaky breath as he drew my doona up to my chin, trying to warm me up.

"I-I…" I wasn't sure of what to say, I wasn't even sure if I could form a proper sentence. The tears spilt from my eyes, falling to my pillow.

"I have to call someone…" He said, almost to himself, reaching into his jeans pocket for his phone.

"No…" I whispered. No-one could know, I couldn't possibly face my parents if they found out I had done this, I was their perfect little princess, I never did anything other than what they told me, never would they suspect me of doing this.

"Cagalli, you're hurt, I have to call for some sort of medical assistance…I can't let anything further happen to you."

"No…" I said, more firmly. "No-one must find out Athrun, please…you-you can't tell anyone about this…promise me…you won't…" With every word, my voice became weaker, but more desperate. I couldn't let him tell anyone, I had to hope he would keep it secret.

His eyes were a deeper shade of green as he answered me, filled with sadness and worry, all because of me. Against his better judgment, out of love for me, he answered "I promise."

"Thank…you…" I said, so softly, he had to lean in close to hear me.

He smiled, a small smile, full of grief and fear, the pain at seeing me this way only just being kept at bay.

"Don't worry Cagalli. I'll look after you, okay?" He said, wiping my wet hair from my face.

I was shivering still, even in the slight warmth of my bed. I could feel myself still barely holding onto consciousness, slipping further and further away. But I had to say something. I had to tell him.

"Athrun, I'm s-sorry." I whispered, pleading with him silently. "I-I…love you…"

Then I felt myself slipping into unconsciousness as soon as the words left my mouth, so I didn't hear the words he whispered, almost inaudible, but full of sincerity, full of emotion, his tears falling freely down his cheeks.

"I love you too…"

* * *

**A/N:** Not too happy with this chapter…but oh well…R&R! 


	7. Forgotten and Forgiven

**A/N: **Okay. I took the last chapter I posted (the really short one) and put it in this one, so it's a longer chapter six, even if it still short and makes no sense and I'm not really sure what I was trying to say with it. I got some things mixed up too, but I kinda just want this story to be finished, for me to find a closure with it. I started this when I was feeling really low…and so I don't feel the same way so much. Also, it's the second last chapter. I changed the plot a bit.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Gundam SEED.

* * *

**Chapter Seven**

**Forgotten and Forgiven**

A shell. That is how I feel. I am a shell, but a shadow of my former self. I am not me any more. I am not anyone.

I am numb.

Numb to all the pain. All my hurt.

If I waned, I suppose I could make myself forget. Forget everything, what made me this way. Forget what I've tried, what I came so close to doing.

But I want to remember.

I don't want to forget. I need to remember that night. Every small detail, however insignificant.

I have to remember him most of all.

Athrun.

How he found me there, weak, fragile. How his face showed every emotion he felt at that moment. The flicker in his eyes, the unshed tears I could see there. He helped me more than he could ever know. He kept my secret. He cared for my self-inflicted wounds. He was brave to do so, never wavering, understanding.

I knew then that I loved him. I wanted to tell him over and over again, but found myself unable to do so.

I just watched silently, basking in his presence.

I want to remember all of that, the good with the bad.

Though the memory of my anguish is always fresh in my mind, haunting my thoughts, I'll always remember it along with the better part of the memory, because of him.

I'll never forget.

Shivers wrack my body and I wonder what I've done. Where I'm going with my life. The only thing I was sure on once I shattered the mirror, the only thing that anchored me to reality and life was Athrun. He was the only thing that made sense, the only thing I thought I understood the reason for it being in my life.

I guess you could say I thought he loved me.

I'm probably wrong. I'm always wrong. When I was little, I thought that Santa Claus was real. I believed in all those little lies that your parents feed you. Like all little kids do, but I always believed in them for longer. I have a habit of holding on to what I know, whether it's false or not. I can't face the truth sometimes. My realities were so much better, nicer and less cruel. When I found out that Santa wasn't real, that Christmas Eve when I caught dad putting the presents out, I cried. I was in denial for a while.

Now that I believed Athrun wasn't what I had thought him to be, I find myself to be in that same state of denial. How can my understanding be the wrong one? I thought it so clear, so beautiful what we felt for each other, how could it have been false?

I'm waiting for him to look at me with his mesmerizing eyes and tell me I had it all wrong, that the kids at school had just made that up for kicks. That he'll hug me and kiss me and make it all better.

I'm deluding myself, I know, but I have to make sense of everything.

I never liked change.

And what I was thinking seemed so plausible.

I still don't really know what happened. I haven't asked him about it. I don't know if I want to. I try to get the facts straight in my head.

Did he tell his friends to gloat? Did he spread those rumors to show off? That he bedded Miss Ice Queen? Maybe he'll go tell them I hurt myself, that I cut myself for pleasure.

Though, I can't believe that. He looks at me in such a way that makes the accusations I've built up completely false.

How did they find out, though? Maybe we were being too obvious. Maybe it was just something someone decided to say. A stray comment taken too far.

I had to stop thinking about it.

Shaking my head, I forgot all about it. I never wanted to dwell on it again. It just didn't seem important anymore. Perhaps it never was.

Nothing's going to be the same again.


	8. Epilogue

**A/N:** Might as well call this the epilogue. So, this is the end. I hope that you all liked it and a big thanks to all those who reviewed.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Gundam SEED.

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**Epilogue**

I had been worried about her for some time, this fact must be admitted. She always seemed more distant. Less attentive, not that she ever really was. That night I found her there, under the scorching water, covered in her own blood, the gashes down her wrist, that was the first time I really feared for her.

All I could think was what had prompted her to do such a thing?

It was so sad to watch her like that, weak and vulnerable, her skinny body, thinner than I remembered, shaking, tears sliding down her cheeks. I loved her so much, and to see her like that was heart breaking. I wanted to kiss away her tears, clear all her sadness away, and make her see that she needn't do such things to herself. What could I do to make her see that?

Maybe I should have done more than I did. Maybe I could have saved her from her end. But, at the time, I was so shocked and ashamed at myself for not being there for her more, that I failed to see what would happen. I failed her. That burns me to no end.

I wept for her. I held her close. I whispered sweet nothings into her ear as she dozed, unhearing and unaware of what I felt for her.

I don't know what to think. I don't know if I could ever make something of what happened with her, what happened between us. It was all so brief. All so…unbelievable, I suppose.

Everything with Cagalli was a mess. Everything about her was a mess. But I reveled in it. I felt happiness in every minute I was with her, every second in her presence. It was a mess, but a brilliant one.

About a week after it, on the night I can only refer to as 'when it happened', I left her for a few hours. That day seemed the same as every other day after the first incident. But you never know with Cagalli, her mood swings can be so sudden, so unexpected.

That day she had been virtually expressionless, brooding. Her eyes always unfocused, never seeming to see you, but rather past you into something unfathomable except to her. I had felt morose watching her like that, sitting on her bed, fully made, and holding her knees to her chest. I kissed her forehead and left the room, closing the door behind me. I was only going to be a little while.

I was longer away from her than I had planned to be. I stayed at my house, for dinner, my parents insisting on me staying for supper, me having been eating at Cagalli's house so often the past week. I got back, and the door was locked.

I got worried instantly; I left the door unlocked when I left.

Pressing my ear to the door, I tried to hear something from inside. I could barely hear her, but still, I could hear her muffled sobbing.

I try the doorknob again. She needs me. Why can't I get to her?

My need to be with her is so urgent; I shake the doorknob again, harder. It breaks free of the lock and opens.

I rush in the room. My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach. I'm frozen, staring. Few things register in my mind in that instant. Only the blood. And Cagalli.

Her hands are covered in blood, and I watch in fascinated horror as her fingers delicately travel down the glass of her mirror.

My eyes meet hers. They are glassy, almost like the mirror. But, even amongst the horror surrounding me, of the imminent fact of what she has done, I still notice that there is emotion in her eyes, so bright, so uncharacteristically her for the past few weeks.

But…they're dimming.

I'm asking questions again. Why? Why are her eyes dimming?

Falling to my knees beside her, I hold her in my arms, for what I'm beginning to think is the last time.

Tears are welling in my eyes. My heart is shattering. I don't want her to go. I don't want her to leave me. Why would she want to leave me? Why?

She's smiling. Why is she smiling? Is this the last time I'm to see her smile? The last time I'm to feel her in my arms? The last time I'll see her eyes?

Her hand, shaking, wavering, covered in her blood, reaches up to my cheek, tucking a stray lock of my hair from my face.

I still can't see why she did this. I need to know why. I have to ask.

"What…why? Why would you do this?" My voice is small even to my ears, softer than a whisper.

She hears me, only just, and her smile widens a little. She points at her mirror. "I-I'm finally…her…"

I don't understand her. Who's 'her'? Her answer makes more questions. My mind is a whir of confusion and sadness.

"Cagalli…" I want to say something more, to tell her once more that I love her, that I want her to stay, even if I wouldn't believe it myself. But she's not listening anymore. She'll never get to listen again.

My tears spill as her eyes go completely dim. Lost of their spark forever.

"Cagalli!" I whisper again. Why did she go? "Cagalli!"

I don't want to believe that she's gone forever. I can't. Even if I know it's the truth.

I should have done something more for her. I should have called for help when I had the chance. I should have done everything in my power to make her feel better, to get proper care for her when I could have. But I didn't.

Maybe I just knew that this would happen anyway.

I'll never know for sure.


End file.
